Are we in a gay sports bar?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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