Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
