I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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