dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
