based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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