I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
