remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
