the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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