I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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