Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
