That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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