Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
