I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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