im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
