Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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