Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
