I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
