I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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