i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
