I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
