just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
