Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
