He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
