Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
