Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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