i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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