even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
