i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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