Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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