I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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