and you said cock pushups were impossible
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
