Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
