if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
