This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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