i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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