my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
