Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
