Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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