I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
