i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
