bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
