Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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