WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
