i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
