oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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