his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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