I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
