I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
