why didn't you poke me back
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
