Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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