I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
