A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
