I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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