I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
