I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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