my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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