Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
