3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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