He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
