If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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