he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
