Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
