what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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