Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
