I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
