I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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